What Happy Couples Do

Instead of fighting

They work on their friendship

Just to be clear: There’s nothing wrong with the occasional argument. Nobody agrees with their partner all of the time and clashing every now and then helps couples to set boundaries - what’s O.K. and what isn’t in interactions with each other. But if it’s happening all of the time, then you may have a problem and something should be done.

John Gottman, the Godfather of Couples Therapy says that after 40 years of research into the subject of marriage longevity, and working with thousands of couples, he found that the most powerful common denominator in long-lasting relationships was... talking. That’s right, just talking. Today we call it communication, but talking is what it is. It doesn’t even need to be about anything that important, but it is fundamental to a relationship that lasts.

So, what would you say that good communication was a fundamental part of? If you said friendship, you’d be correct. Good communication in a relationship is the sign of a strong friendship. Here are 3 powerful tools to help you strengthen your friendship with your partner:

1. Enhance your lovemaps: Gottman describes the lovemap as your roadmap of your partner’s inner world. It comes from the interest you have in all parts of their life: what stresses them out? What are they interested in? What are their goals and aspirations? Who are their close friends etc? What’s important in their world? It’s also knowing what they like about you and giving them more of that. How do we build this roadmap? Mainly by asking questions and listening to the answers. Try this for a couple of weeks: make questions 50% of your interactions with your partner.

2. Turn toward each other during your times of communication: If you want your partner to feel that what they think is important to you, and that they are valued, you should pay attention to them. Gottman says that often our partner will engage us in conversation in what he calls a “bid for emotional connection”. Now is the time for us to turn to them and respond enthusiastically. Turn off the TV and maybe put your phone down for a while.

3. Demonstrate Fondness and Admiration: Nothing says “I love you” like being shown admiration and appreciation. Take the time - often - to tell your partner that they are loved and respected. And that you are proud of them.

These three tools are a great help in growing and strengthening your friendship with your partner. And here’s a bonus: Friendship is the basis for good sex, romance and passion in a relationship.

-Jim