The Relationship Trust Account

A measurable way to build trust in your marriage

Stephen Covey who many years ago wrote the best selling book “Ten habits of highly effective people” also created a powerful metaphor called the Emotional Bank Account.

You know of course, how your regular bank account works: We make deposits, save up money and later when we need it we can withdraw the money (or part of it). An emotional bank account works in much the same way but it works on Trust instead of money. It’s an account based on how safe you feel with another person.

Covey identified six ways to reduce withdrawals (or make deposits) and M.J. Clark interpreted it so well, we can leave it to him to explain.

1. Understanding the Individual. ​Listening intently to what the other is saying. Empathise with what they are feeling. Care for others and act kindly toward them.

2. Keeping Commitments. ​Arrive on time. Do what you say you will. Keeping commitments helps build up emotional reserves.

3. Clarifying Expectations. ​Instead of expecting others to read our mind, be clear in communicating our expectations. This can create a higher level of trust. When we ask for what we want and get it, we can then trust a little more.

4. Attend to the Little Things. ​Little things tend to become big things without due attention. We honour and respect others by showing small kindnesses, a smile, appreciating something they have done. These things build trust.

5. Showing Personal Integrity. ​Trusting relationships are grounded in personal integrity. Operating with a sound moral character makes it easy for others to trust us.

6. Apologizing When we Make a Withdrawal. ​We all make mistakes, it’s a part of life, but when you know you have violated a trust, apologizing sincerely is how we make a deposit to counteract the damage.

When your trust level is high because you’ve made lots of deposits, communication is really easy. The trust level is high between you and your partner and the occasional lapse is generally forgivable without too much loss of trust.

But discourteous, disrespectful, or generally bad behaviour can easily put your emotional account into overdraft, so you need to be careful how you behave.

Our most precious relationships (with spouse and family) need constant deposits because they are always changing and different expectations evolve. It’s a good thing to stay mindful of the balance of trust in your relationship’s emotional bank account. One of my favourite sayings is: What gets measured gets managed. So, even if it’s just a mental tally, it’s important to think about it regularly. Generally we are more or less aware of how much money is in our normal bank account and we know that it’s sensible to stay in credit. So it should be with the emotional bank account. There’s no such thing as too much credit in your emotional bank account.

In a strong and loving relationship there is no more valuable currency than trust.