No Trust, No Us.

Trust

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them” - Ernest Hemingway

I was talking with a young couple in my office and one of the issues that was troubling them was that the young man had been caught out in an indiscretion. Now, many would not have considered that particular episode to be that serious; it was a new relationship and he’d been caught on Tinder or something similar, not necessarily looking for trouble but maybe just reminiscing how it used to be when he was still footloose and fancy free.

But many would consider that to be infidelity nonetheless and the problem started when he tried to lie his way out of it. A trust was broken. Even though subsequently he allegedly made, as Esther Perel puts it, the “modern day serious commitment to the relationship” by deleting the offending apps., the pain and mistrust remained.

Unfortunately to compound things, the young man had a self-confessed history of making up stories to avoid confrontation. As in so many similar cases, this habit becomes ingrained and sometimes it becomes difficult to tell truth from fiction with fiction sometimes appearing for no good reason at all. Herein lies the deception in deception.

For my own part, I had no reason to doubt his commitment to the relationship nor in his promise of fidelity going forward. But his partner, with more to lose than I, was not finding it so easy.

Now, here’s the thing: In the end, usually (and appropriately) it’s the wronged partner who gets to decide the way forward and It becomes their choice as to whether or not they’re prepared to cut the offender the slack.

There are often many factors involved in the granting of an amnesty and I have great admiration for people who allow others the grace to find their way back to redemption. It says much about the character of such people. Gullible? Well maybe. I like to think more in terms of “clemency”, “compassion” and “long term commitment.”

But “once bitten, twice shy”, as they say. And there’s great truth in the saying “how you do anything is how you do everything”. Next time you’ll know what to watch for and perhaps you should have a “Plan B”. You have my best wishes.

P.S. In the event, much later she contacted me to tell me that infidelity and deception were deeply ingrained and as he was unprepared to change his ways, she ended the relationship.

Jim.