How to Make Lasting Changes in a Relationship
(Hint: the secret is in the title of this chapter)
Yes, it’s Change. And it’s the key to making broken marriages whole again and to crafting a loving relationship strong enough to stand the test of time. However the secret does not generally lie in changing the circumstances or the relationship, or even your partner. It’s much more likely to be the result of changing ourselves.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” Viktor Frankl
When things feel hopeless in your marriage and no matter what you do, it doesn’t seem to get any better, the time may have come for you to change the way you view things and the way you do things. As Frankl said, if the circumstances can’t be changed, you better think about changing yourself.
One thing’s for certain, nothing changes if nothing changes. The old saying that the definition of foolishness is doing the same things and expecting different results, is very insightful. Things are never going to be any different if changes aren’t made. Don’t expect your marriage to come right on its own because relationships don’t change unless people change.
In marriage counseling we are always seeing people who are convinced that their spouse is in error and if they would only change their ways, things would be fine.
There are several problems with this belief:
It’s never just one partner’s fault.
People only change when they decide to change.
My approach to Relationship Healing is one of encouraging the players to make changes in themselves. Changes in the way they see themselves, in the way they act and in the way they treat their partner. Because lasting change never comes from forcing, coercing or guilting the other person to change the way they do things.
Change only comes when one party sees and appreciates the changes in their other half. Then and only then, are you likely to see lasting and genuine commitment to a change in your relationship.
So what am I saying here? I’m saying that if you want your partner to change, then you need to be the very best spouse and soulmate that you can possibly be. You want to be the spouse that your partner cannot wait to come home to, to spend time with and to be romantic with.
Mort Fertel compares being a spouse actively trying to do their best, with a gourmet chef. A top chef does not need to coerce or bully their patrons into eating their cooking. They just prepare it wonderfully, cook it to perfection and present it beautifully. Their clientele are likely to be falling over themselves to tuck in.
Now before you get all righteously indignant and demand to know why you need to change when it’s obviously them that’s out of line, I urge you to remember the question:
“Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?”
Jim
