Are You Tired of all the Talking?

That’s probably because mostly it never helps.

I know how frustrating it feels sometimes, talking it over, talking it over and it’s usually just the same old dance. Talk is cheap. Mort Fertel says that you can’t talk your way out of something you behaved your way into.

The way to fix something then, is not to just talk about it but to actually do something about it. Action, as they say, speaks louder than words.

Now there’s an interesting thing about this. Sometimes it really doesn’t matter that much ​who ​changes their behaviour in the situation where things are unravelling. If you are ​really​ committed to making your relationship work but your partner doesn’t feel any need to change their ways, then it’s up to you.

The problem is, by the time you’re at the point of seeking help, the atmosphere in your marriage can be quite toxic. Dr John Gottman has described what he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, the most damaging types of conflict between partners most likely to destroy a relationship: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

One or more (or all) of these will likely be in play by the time you seek help. However, mostly these are two sided, reactive clashes, so here’s the thing: if one of the parties decides to stop playing, the whole dynamic can change. The other partner is often inspired or motivated to re-think their own behaviour.

So the wrap up is this: Talking isn’t likely to help. Allowing your emotions and feelings to dictate how you act in your relationship is unlikely to fix anything. The only really effective way to make a change for the better, is to ​do something positive.​ There are useful, constructive habits you can put into play that will change the whole tone of your interactions. And It doesn’t even need to take two of you. “Marriages don’t change because people sit down and talk. Marriages change because people change”.

So, don’t stop talking to each other but commit to spending more time in a safe space, having conversations that aren’t about contentious issues. Avoid getting bogged down in the same old arguments and put all the time that you freed up into positive steps towards rebuilding goodwill and reconnecting.

Jim